25/30

When I was about 3 weeks postpartum, and we were back home, I started to isolate myself a ton, and hardly ever went out, especially without Dakota. I didn’t think anything of it at first. I was just a new mom and wanted to make sure Adalei was taken care of. I had a new baby, 2 dogs, and 2 cats all to take care of. The animals were getting jealous of the new baby and so I would try to spend some time with them while Adalei was sleeping, but this wasn’t always easy. I was starting to pay attention to my new and changing emotions and body. I was still pretty sore from my c section and basically lived without pants on for weeks, but was still trying to get back into a new normal routine.

Adalei wasn’t a ‘hard’ baby, but she was constantly in pain from gas cramps and being slightly constipated. I was trying everything throughout the day to try and calm her down. Some days were better than others, and there were really some hard days. Sometimes I felt like nothing was ever going to go my way. Days when she would just cry and cry and cry. The dogs were constantly whining, getting into the trash, or leaving the yard. Then I was there stuck in the middle of it all, still trying to heal and not wanting to do anything but sit and cry with everyone else.

As my body was changing, I noticed that my boobs started to shrink back to their pre-pregnancy selves. (something I didn’t think I would actually miss as much as I do) With this, I started to notice a small lump. I honestly just kind of brushed it off as a possible clogged duct from my milk finishing drying up since I was still leaking a bit. After about 2 weeks of feeling this lump, I started to kind of freak out a bit. We were already headed back to Utah for Adalei’s 1-month appointment, so I decided since we were already there, I would go and have it looked at. So, I made an appointment with my midwife.

While I was there, she had me fill out the postpartum depression test or the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale. If you aren’t familiar with what this test is, it is a series of 10 questions that new mom’s answer and then are graded to find out if the mother has any signs of postpartum depression or not. The test is graded out of 30. If you score under 5, you have the normal baby blues. If you score a 5-9, you should be watched carefully to make sure things don’t become more severe. If you score 10 or higher, you have postpartum depression and should be given additional resources and be checked on regularly. This was the first time I had ever taken the test. At 5 weeks PP, I was scoring an 8/30. My doctor was a bit nervous about this score. She upped my medication from 150 mg to 200 mg and recommended that I find a therapist to talk to. She also recommended that I get an ultrasound done to look at the lump I had in my breast. After an ultrasound was done, it was determined to be a simple cyst. Something that a surgeon wasn’t worried about and thinks will go away on its own with time. It was definitely some good news I was ready to hear.

When we got back home from Utah, things started to get a bit harder knowing that going back to work was just a few weeks away. The idea of leaving Adalei scared me so badly. She was changing so much every day and I wasn’t ready to miss that. But I knew that I needed to go back to work. As I tried to mentally prepare to go back to work, it started to seem like everything was just becoming more and more overwhelming. I really wasn’t sure how I was going to let anyone else take care of my baby.

When I was 8 weeks postpartum, we packed up and headed back to Utah for my final appointment and Adalei’s 2-month appointment. This short trip was anything but easy on me. I am not sure my mind ever took a break over those few days. I was constantly in a panic about going back to work. At my appointment, I was finally able to get an IUD! *Sidenote* If anyone has wondered when we are going to have another baby, y’all are CRAZY! This mama is NOT even kind of thinking about having any more kids for at least 3 years! Anyways, of course with the joys of my body, once my doctor put in the IUD, it instantly came out… so I got to hang out while she tried again with a second one. If that would have happened before I had a baby, I would probably have freaked out, but even though it was a little uncomfortable, I wasn’t even mad. I wanted to make sure that sucker stays in its place! After she finally got my IUD in, we started talking about how I was feeling and I filled out the little depression test again. While I was filling it out, I was a little nervous as to what my answers would show, but made sure I was completely honest. When my doctor took a look at my results, her eyes went huge… I had scored a 25/30… That was when I was officially dealing with postpartum depression and separation anxiety.

After looking at my score, my doctor talked to me about what was going on. I was as honest as I could be. I told her how nervous I was about going back to work. How I didn’t really feel like I had made that connection or bond with Adalei yet and was nervous that she would end up bonding with someone else and forget all about me. I felt almost like I was watching Dakota raise his baby, and I was just the fill-in for when he was gone. I told her how jealous I was that she was already such a daddy’s girl. How I felt like if I wasn’t around she wouldn’t notice. I explained my fears of becoming a bad mom and making the wrong choices for my baby. This little baby that depended on me for so much, but yet, my body couldn’t give her half of what she needed. How I knew that it was okay not to breastfeed, but it still was eating at me. I told her how much of my pregnancy and labor that I was kind of blacking out, was starting to come back and remind me of just how hard everything had really been. But I also explained that I wanted to feel like my normal self again. I was eager to get back into my own routine that Adalei was now a part of. I told her how I loved Adalei so much and wanted to be good for her, but how lost I felt. How I felt like part of me wanted to be hurt just badly enough so I didn’t have to go back to work yet. So I could have just a few more weeks to spend time with Adalei.

After our talk, my doctor told me I needed to find a therapist. She wanted me to make sure I found good outlets. Recommended talking to other moms with PPD and making sure that I was actually taking care of myself. We discussed a few different possible options and made me promise to reach out to her if I needed help at all. I knew that I was still struggling, but at the same time, I was worried that asking to have my midwife to keep me off work for a little longer, it was just going to make things harder and put off the inevitable. I really was just hoping to go back to work and get into a normal-ish routine and everything I was feeling would just go away. But unfortunately, that wasn’t the case at all. That first week back to work was one of the worst weeks of my life instead.