Figuring it all out

As you all know, my last post was from the deepest rawest part of my life. While it wasn't something I was honestly expecting to feel like I needed to share with the world, I am kind of glad I did. I have to thank my amazing husband who has stood by me through this hell I have put us through these last few months. Life just hasn't been easy for me adjusting to being a new mom and dealing with all of the hormones, and the depression and anxiety, all on levels I have never dealt with before and it has honestly brought us so much closer. I love him so very much and will forever be grateful for letting me process everything within my own time. He has really been there so much for me and Adalei and it has really just been such a great feeling knowing that such an amazing man has stood by me during my darkest and hardest days.

When I started writing about my extreme depression, I honestly wasn't planning on telling you all the whole truth. When I went through everything, Dakota and I were completely okay with just telling people that I went to get help. That was it. Simple. Being able to be that open with people face to face wasn't something I was ready for. I didn't want the look of disappointment or the hear the lack of understanding in people's voices. I honestly had let myself down and had let Dakota and Adalei down enough that I couldn't even imagine letting anyone else be disappointed in me. I just wasn't strong enough for that. I wanted so badly to just ball up those terrible thoughts and pains and just ignore them for the rest of my life. I mean that's the norm for what we do when those kinds of things happen right? We already feel broken enough so why would we want someone else to see just how broken we really are? But then I started writing... and for some unknown reason, once I get behind this keyboard, I am completely at ease spilling my whole life to everyone. So here we are!

After I posted, I stayed off Facebook for a few days, unable to acknowledge what people might say or how the reactions would come through. I knew it was going to be a HUGE surprise to people. I think after it all happened, I openly talked to about 3 people right away about it. I felt so badly for being so ready to just give up on being a mom and wife. I was so okay with letting them go on without me. To even talk to someone about that was just too hard to even think about. How was I supposed to explain to someone that I wasn't happy? I felt terrible all the time. I didn't want to keep hurting inside but pretending to be okay. That I loved Dakota and Adalei enough to rid myself of them. To want to give my baby the chance to grow up without me, a mom who was so unhappy and so afraid of everything. I thought I was doing everything I could to keep everyone else happy. But then I felt so behind. I would feel too terrible to wash the dishes piling up in the sink. Ignoring the texts from friends and family because I didn't know how I was doing. The whole time just wanting to scream. Wanting to breakdown. But not knowing how to let the release happen... I was a new mom. The one thing I always wanted to do in life. So why was I hating this new life? And how was I supposed to explain it to someone else who knew how badly I wanted this? How could I face the world, knowing that people out there would kill to have the experience I have had and would be so willing to look at it all with such positivity. But here I was, the selfish one, hating it all. So I just kind of kept to myself until slowly I started trying to understand what had happened to me.

I started talking to a therapist and that really helped. It helped me understand that I wasn't this crazy person. I wasn't ungrateful and didn't hate being a mom. I just had so much going on with myself and so many new things going on around me and in my body that I just couldn't handle it. I was changing so much all at once in my life, all while trying to mourn the fact that things were so much harder. It had nothing to do with how much I did or didn't love Dakota and Adalei. It was basically just my body kinda freaking out, overloaded. But at the time I really didn't understand that at all. I really just felt like a total failure. I was terrified of the thought of even trying to have another baby but knew it was what Dakota wanted. Yet here I was so afraid of even the thought that I wanted to give him a guilt-free way to find someone who would happily give him another baby. Someone else who could love him and Adalei while being that perfect happy wife and mom.

While I was in the hospital, I decided that I wanted to share a bit of my story. I wasn't totally sure at first how I wanted to this though. All I knew is that after having so many people in just a few short days tell me how I wasn't as alone as I had felt the past 2 months, I didn't want anyone else to have to feel that way. By the time I was released, I knew that the best way to get my story out there was through a blog. At that moment I really wasn't sure how it was going to go. I mean I'm still not sure how it is gonna go ~haha~ but I am trying to figure it all out. Just one step at a time.

I ended up taking some more time off from work while I tried to get things figured out with HR and my doctor. It honestly was a break that I didn't expect to last as long as it did, but paperwork can take a lot longer than you think. During this time though, I ended up looking at it as a blessing. My great-grandma Zito passed away and Adalei and I were able to go up to be with family and attend the funeral. I was also able to really focus on myself and my connection with Adalei. I won't say it was instantly amazing, it still is taking work. But being able to be at home, talking with a therapist, psychiatrists, and my doctor whenever I needed was really nice. I was so nervous about getting back to work too early or going back and still not feeling that connection with my daughter. Thankfully this time allowed me to figure all of this out.

When I got to hold Adalei for the first time after getting out of, what I now call, the looney bin, she gave me the biggest smile ever. It instantly made me feel better. I knew right then and there that I was back where I was meant to be. I was going to make sure that my little girl knew just how much her mom loves her and was going to make sure to take care of myself so she would never have to grow up without her mom.

So I have been talking with a few therapists, a psychiatrist, and my doctor for a couple of months now. Trying to get to a stable enough place to keep me strong enough for my family. I have had a few days that have been really hard not going to lie, but who doesn't have hard days right? Getting back to work was hard but nice. I have started back only working 3 days a week to try and ease myself into a normal schedule while not feeling like I was too overwhelmed. There have been a few days that I have really been grateful to be able to have this accommodation, even though I had really hoped that I would be back to working full time by now. When I first started back, the first week or two went by pretty nicely. I wasn't too worked up or overwhelmed. I was honeslty really just happy to be back around adults again haha.

Once I started to adjust to being back to work, I started to stress myself out though with work. I had finally started to learn how to take care of myself as a new mom, but I had forgotten how to take care of myself as a working mom. It wasn't an easy task for me to now figure out. There have been a few days that I have been in a weird headspace and felt like I couldn't do it though. Which sucks. I hate feeling like I am trying my hardest and yet it still isn't good enough. But I am still trying to figure everything out and am working on remembering that I am allowed to leave work at the door the same way I can leave life stresses at the door when I walk in. Coming back to work with such amazing people has been really great though. It is the best part of my job. Being able to have coworkers who can find ways to make me laugh even though milk is spilling all over the place. Or to have someone so willing to just hug you back while you cry. It has honestly helped so much. I am forever grateful for my coworkers. What is so hard though, is to I think that I am so close to figuring myself out only to be knocked 50 feet backward and having to figure it all out again. It may not be perfect and I may not be as far ahead as I would have hoped to be, but I know that as selfish as I may feel, work is only work and I am only good at work when I am mentally good.

So I guess in the end, I want you all to know that I love my family so very much! Dakota is so amazing. He has helped me so much over the past few months and he is such an amazing dad. I seriously just love seeing the connection Dakota and Adalei have. I am grateful that I am now able to see that bond and be happy about it and not jealous. I am so grateful for the changed eyes I have been able to now have. Looking back on everything now, sure it was hard, it hurt, and I know I hurt others without trying to, but I am grateful that I was able to get the help that I needed. Sure it wasn't the best circumstance, but I honestly believe that it was what I needed to really wake myself up enough to accept that I am not alone and that at the end of the day, I can only help my family if I take care of myself too. I'm not sure I would have truly understood that if things had gone a different way and I am so glad that I am still here to be able to watch my beautiful blue-eyed little girl learn and grow! She has such a sweet yet stubborn personality and I am so glad I get to be part of her life. She has truly helped me see the good in life. I don't think she will ever truly know just how much she has helped me become the mom she has today.

I am also so very grateful for the nurse that I was able to meet in the ER. Her story is honestly what got me to realize just how normal all of this was. The fact that she was so willing to sit down next to me while I cried, just so I was able to know I wasn't alone, and then to be willing to open herself up and explain her own motherhood trials, honestly it just hit me deep. I'm not sure if I will ever get to talk to her again, but she will forever be apart of me.

Being in a place where you can just relax and be yourself, was amazing! I mean I HATED feeling like I was in jail and wasn't a fan of the terrible shower and beds that were just old elementary gym pads. But the people, oh the people! Being somewhere that you know everyone had a demon strong enough to tear themselves to the very end, and yet for whatever reason, we were all there struggling together was amazing. No one was there to judge. We were all there to make sure that we were able to take care of ourselves and each other. We didn't need makeup or fancy clothes to hide behind. We were all there without any idea of what was going on in everyone's lives other than the fact that we had all hit that rock bottom. There were so many people who touch my life in a way I didn't know was possible and honestly, I don't think anyone ever could. The rawness of an inpatient facility is just amazing! At the end of the day, all that mattered was your heart. That was all anyone was looking for. It was such a freeing experience and I honestly don't think people understand just how easy it is to just be you in those kinds of places. No one makes you feel terrible about yourself. We all knew how hard life can get and it was just our chance to come to peace with where we were and how we got there. Even the staff, they really just wanted what was best for the people there. If I was being honest, I don't think I would even recognize anyone if I saw them outside of that place. Not even the doctors. It honestly was just a very freeing and healing place. Don't get me wrong though, I am not looking to head back!

In the end, I am still broken. Not crushed as I was before, but just broken. Bit by bit I am slowly making my way to getting all of the pieces back together again. It is going to take some time for sure! But honestly, for the first time in my life, I am okay with that. I am ready to really focus on becoming my best self. And as much as I love Dakota and Adalei, I am ready to become my best self for myself and I think that makes all the difference. I know that it isn't going to be an easy journey, but honestly, that's okay. I really just want to finally fix what I have only ignored my whole life. I am ready to truly grieve the fact that becoming a mother wasn't an easy process for me. I am ready to just learn who Jordyn really is, and that makes me really happy and really excited!

I am ready to fix me for me! (: