Well, hello again!
- babyraesparkles
- Oct 27, 2021
- 8 min read
Hey guys! It has been a hot minute since I last posted. Life has been just a bit crazy over the last year. I can't believe it has already been over a year since I started sharing my journey with you all. I can't tell you all how grateful I have been for your kind words and love. Starting this blog was such a scary thing for me to do. I wanted so badly to make sure no one else ever had to feel alone in their own postpartum journey. The only way I knew how to do that, however, was to be completely open and vulnerable. I can't tell you all how blessed I felt to know that by putting this blog out into the world I have helped so many of you. I have been trying for a while to figure out how to dive back in and let you all know how life has been going, but haven't been able to figure out where to even start. I have had so much pain and growth in the last year that I'm not even sure I can begin to put it into words. So I guess here goes nothing...
I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am that I am able to watch my daughter growing up. She is so big now and so full of wonder! I love watching her face light up when she figures something out for the first time. I love hearing her little voice and listening to her figure out exactly how to say so many new words. I love watching her take walks with her favorite puppy, Emmett. Hearing her laugh when he runs by her is my all-time favorite sound. The bond they have had since day one has grown so much as she has gotten older. I am amazed at how gentle she is with her kitties, even when they aren't too sure they are enjoying themselves.😅 The wonder she has for life is such a breath of fresh air.
What breaks me is knowing that if you would have told me I would feel all of these things back when I was at rock bottom, I wouldn't have believed you. I truly didn't believe that the connection I now have with my daughter would be a possibility. I felt so hopeless. So alone. All of this pain that I felt like I would never be able to overcome. These feelings would just have me trapped for the rest of my life. But what I didn't understand then was that it wasn't just something I have felt. It wasn't something that made me this huge-piece-of-shit-no-good mom. I was feeling things that made me feel so worthless when all I was doing was worrying about things every good mom does.
One of the hardest things that I was trying to accept back then, was that my new mom life wasn't like all of these Pinterest or Instagram moms. I felt like a failure in comparison to them all. I would sit on the couch or bed, still wearing the same clothes I had on 3 days ago, my hair in a terrible and greasy bun, my face just gross, smelling like baby barf and formula, looking on social media seeing all these moms in their cute outfits matching what their babies were wearing. This perfect mom life. This life that I wanted to have. I wanted to be that cute Insta-model-mom that other moms looked up to. I didn't understand why it was so easy for all these other new moms to be able to look so cute all the time. Cute hair, makeup, clothes, and perfect baby. I remember scrolling through my Facebook mom groups, you know the groups where during your pregnancy you can talk about all the things you will need or what you are scared of when it comes to labor, then after we all gave birth, I started seeing all these mom's who would post their story. How they had a super complicated pregnancy and delivery too, but then they would look so perfect as they blasted their photos and say how in love they were with their new little bundle of joy. I used to sit and torture myself for hours. I felt so inadequate to be a mom. I felt like I was so gross, lazy, unattractive. I started to hate myself. I hated that I wasn't like these other moms. I hated that I didn't have the energy to get up and do my hair and make-up. Hell, most days I didn't even have the energy to take a shower. It was so draining and painful. All I did was make things so much harder for myself. I let the pain dig itself a hole as I started to creep into it until I was laying in my own grave.
I recently read the book Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis and let me tell you, I wish I would have had that in my life years ago!! It is raw and painful, but it has been exactly what I have needed to hear! So if you haven't read it, I highly suggest you do! While I was reading her book, Rachel pointed out how this habit of scrolling on social media, constantly comparing ourselves to each other is so damaging to our own self-worth. How we need to know when we need to take a break from following those pages and not go searching for a reason to hate ourselves more. I truly wish I would have been told that sooner. In today's world, it is so "normal" to want to share all these amazing things in our lives with people through a screen. But you have to learn when it isn't healthy for you to be sitting there trying to figure out why you can't be as perfect as that picture on your screen. Like Rachel says, this doesn't mean you shouldn't be posting about your life, but don't be afraid to post the not-so-great things at times. Don't be afraid to be real and raw. And whatever you do, DO NOT let yourself get sucked in, especially when you are already in a fragile mindset, to feeling like you are garbage because of something someone was doing on a good day.
Even with all of the social media influence in today's world, it is so important to make sure you aren't trying to live up to that perfect life. Knowing how I have struggled, and how hard it has been to not compare myself to all of these amazing women has really been a challenge. I have written all over my bathroom mirror little reminders for myself. Little affirmations to see every day. I even have a decal on the wall right by my front door that says "shut up, you look good!" I truly try to read it and take it in every day. I am striving to hit the point when I can read all of these affirmations and truly believe them.
The hardest one that I am struggling with lately is feeling as though I am enough.
Enough for my daughter, enough for my friends, enough for my family, but most of all, that I am enough for myself. It's crazy how much we try to do things for the other people in our lives, but we often forget the most important person to take care of, ourselves. I often have to stop and look at myself and remember that I am strong and that I am enough for myself. Even though I don't often believe it, I really try to internalize it. I try not to pick myself apart. I want to so badly believe that I am worthy and enough. I want to be able to look at the face staring back at me in the mirror and I want to recognize her again. I want to be able to see the happiness in my eyes. I want to be able to truly fall in love with myself. But getting to that point takes time and effort. It isn't something that is just going to happen overnight, even though I really wish it would sometimes! 😂
Looking back on it all, it was something that I wasn't expecting to be able to understand now. While I am not sure it makes sense to all of you, it is something that I look back on and feel stronger for. What I went through was a literal hell-on-earth experience for me. But I have been able to recognize where I let my emotions take over and hurt me more than I should have ever let them. Every day I wake up, I am so grateful to be here. To be able to watch my perfect little mini-me growing up. Watching her sweet smile and glow brings me so much warmth. She literally completes my soul. I have never felt so a part of anything before.
I look at how beautiful my amazing and smart daughter is all the time. I tell her all the time how much I love her, how pretty she is, how funny she is, how much happiness she brings me. But the other day I was thinking and questioning this. I started wondering that if I could tell her these things 100 times a day for the rest of her life, would she end up believing them herself? It makes me wonder why I couldn't say these same things to myself? She is literally a part of me. She is my flesh and blood. So why can I only see the beauty and positivity in her? How am I going to truly teach her to love herself when her mom isn't even capable of that yet?
When I read the affirmations I have up for myself every day, I now sit and think about how I can truly believe them for that day. I think of all of the amazing things I can do. Just the fact that I was able to go through such an insane pregnancy and delivery and then went through the hardest part of my life just to belittle myself all the time? That isn't what I fought for. Why should I keep allowing myself to feel terrible? I should be proud of myself. I should be able to look at what my life has become and feel accomplished. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself all of the time. I need to believe that I am amazing. I need to see myself through my daughter's eyes. I see the way she looks at me. She doesn't see a failure, she sees a strong mama who cares about her so much. She needs me when she is happy, sick, sad, excited, cuddly, mad, and tired. She truly sees only the good things about me in her eyes. Even when she is throwing her tantrums, she still will look at me with need and want through her tears. Why is it so difficult for us to truly see ourselves in this same kind of light?
I know that I still struggle
with all of these things, but I want to challenge everyone to try and stop their own negative self-talk. We are all amazing people just trying to do our best every day. Nobody likes to hurt, so why do we allow our minds to hurt ourselves so often? It isn't fair to anyone. Hurting yourself emotionally or physically isn't going to get us to our goals and dreams. We are all strong and brave. We can all get through this life together. So let's start by being nice to ourselves. Let's together strive to be our best selves every day!
If you happen to want some good music, feel free to follow my "You Got This Mama" playlist on Spotify. 🙂
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