My Dark Days
- babyraesparkles
- Nov 18, 2020
- 14 min read
Part of mental illness is not knowing how to feel... ever... but then feeling everything all at the same time...
This is probably the hardest and most open post I have written about so far. The things I have written about aren’t something I have talked about with a lot of people. I would like to warn you before you read that it may cause some *triggers* to some people. Please read while keeping that in mind. I would also like to say that I am not writing this for people to feel bad for me in any way. I truly want everyone to realize that postpartum depression is a very real thing. It isn’t something that you can just get over by yourself and it can get really bad if you try to ignore it. Please know that I am not sharing this to be judged. I know it isn’t something that will be easy for some to understand, hell I barely understand it myself. But at the end of the day, I ask that you just read with an open heart and judgment-free mind.
I always wanted to believe that I was going to be just fine.... but life can get messy fast... There are so many things that I want to do but yet I just sit in my little box in the back of my head and paralyze myself completely... There are days where I can get up, go and do something for a few hours, but still not feel myself, and then I come home and completely crash... That's what happened today.
I thought that I was going to have a good day! I went to bed excited for today. I felt like I was ready to have a good day after 3 days of barely even being able to get laundry done. I just hit this wall this week and I was so ready to break out of my depressed state.
Around 4 am, Adalei woke up with a screech that probably would have woke up the neighbors if we really had any. She was so upset and anything I seemed to try just didn't help. She was just so mad. I made her a bottle, changed her, and even sat and held her and read her a book. But she just wouldn't calm down... it was so hard... We both kind of fell back to sleep but it wasn't anything major... She was still fussy and I was only able to close my eyes for a brief moment in between cries. But I was still hopeful! I was having a bit of a 'me' day, with the little one in tow.
Once I got up and started to get ready, I was still hopeful. I jumped in the shower while she was seemingly happy in her swing. But it didn't take long for her to start screaming... so my shower got cut a tad short. Nothing I am not used to by now. I got out and it didn't help. Between me trying to get us both ready, I was already emotionally drained and wanting to just leave her with Dakota since he is working night shift and was home sleeping. I knew that if I left her though, he wouldn't get any sleep and wouldn't be happy with me. So running late, we ran out the door.
We were off to go so I could get my nails done. I was so happy to have something that makes me feel pretty again. It is such a superficial thing to do, but not only does it make me feel a bit better about myself, but it also makes it so my real nails aren't always breaking, especially being at work. I was seriously so excited to do just this one little thing for myself again. Even with Adalei in tow, it was so nice to just be able to get out of the house and do something for me. Just a bit of time to get out of my own head and be around other people was something I truly needed and something that I completely avoided for the past few days. After getting my nails done, I ran to the store. A place I always feel uncomfortable going to when I am not working, but a place that I feel loved once I get inside and see the amazing faces of my coworkers.
I wandered around briefly but quickly started to feel myself going downhill.... so I shortened it up a bit and tried to quickly escape hoping to make it out before my pain started to show through me and I ended up breaking in front of everyone. When I finally got to my car, I tried to distract myself some more and called my sister in law. I had realized that morning that I had missed a few calls and texts that my phone just never got even after I restarted it. One joy of living where we live.
When I got home, I thought I was safe. I was feeling super productive. I was ready to get a trash run in and even hoped that I could get caught up on laundry and dishes. I even told myself that if I did enough, I could start to put up my Christmas decorations. Something that I was looking forward to all week and just hadn't had the ability to actually get up and do. So I thought it would be a fair bargain with myself. I got in and put all the groceries down and then sat down to feed Adalei. That was my downfall of the day.
After I sat down and fed her, I couldn't help it and took some cute pictures of her outfit. I thought it was super cute and fit the cool fall air that has slowly started in. I loved going back through and looking at the cute pictures I had gotten of her. Shortly after our impromptu photo shoot, she started getting grouchy again. She broke out into an uncontrollable cry and scream, fighting to take the nap that she so desperately needed. The toll it took on me mentally just trying to get her to sleep, put me right back where I was when I went running away from myself at the store.
I was so ready to get up and get things done around the house... but I just couldn't move. I laid on Adalei's bedroom floor just trying to relax and find some kind of peace, and yet all I found was heartburn and I sank into that deep slump...
The slump I am referring to isn't one that you just snap your fingers and can be out of. it's one that will hold you hostage and won't let you go no matter how hard you fight it. It makes you feel everything at once, but yet nothing at all. You feel crazy. Sick to your stomach with worry. You can't move. You can't eat. You can't drink. You can't even talk. You are just stuck. In your very own personal hell in your mind. It is one that I know better than I would like to, but still isn't one that I know how to control. I haven't felt even close to this badly in a couple of months. Which I should be proud of, but instead I am sick about it. I know where I was mentally the last time I started to hit this low of a low... and it wasn't good. It has been one story that I have spent so long trying to write and share with you all to help anyone who doesn't understand this version of myself... but it is the hardest thing I have ever tried to put into words. I haven't even been able to tell very many people about it.
Back in September, when I first went back to work. That first week back was so extremely hard. I can't even put it into words. The Thursday before I went back, I got an IUD and then had talked to my doctor and found out I scored 25/30 on the postpartum depression scale. I tried to not let that play into my first week back, but the fears and mental blocks were already up and weren't going to be coming down overnight. My first day back was Sunday, August 30th. Adalei was officially 2 months old that day. I got ready for work. Tried my best to feel pretty and good about myself. I wanted to be able to go to work and be the happy person I always try to be. While I was getting ready, I was also trying to spend time with Adalei and Dakota. I was grateful that I would be going back to work while Dakota was off so I didn’t have to drop her off somewhere else. I figured it would be good for them to get some more time together and for Adalei to keep the bond strong with her dad.
I wanted to go to work and be alright, but that 40-minute drive had me in tears. I was trying so hard not to cry and be overly emotional, but I wasn’t super successful. Once I got to work, however, I was more alright. I was able to dive right into work and wasn’t doing too badly of a job at just numbing myself throughout the day. I tried my best to just talk to customers and coworkers and ignore my nagging thoughts. I was only successful at this though for one good day.
Sunday night I drove home quietly. I was completely in my head. I knew that I was just going home to Dakota and Adalei, but felt so worried about how Adalei was going to react to me being back at home. When I got home, they were cuddled together watching tv. After I settled down a bit and got things ready for myself to go to bed, I went to hold my little girl. I had missed her so much that day. As I sat there and held her though, it felt as if it was only me who missed her. I knew she was just 2 months old, but I really felt as if I wasn’t anyone important to her. The looks she gave her dad were so genuine and loving, and you could just see the bond between them in her eyes. She felt so much love for her dad and she didn’t hide that at all. I was so glad to see that the day together had given them more of a chance to bond and was excited to see how the next few days would go for them. However, I felt the slightest pain and hurt for myself. I was missing out on this bonding time.
The next morning, I awoke to one of the joys of not being pregnant anymore. My first postnatal period. As if my hormones weren't out of whack enough as it was... but it is me and this whole pregnancy and being a mom thing hasn't been an easy ride at all for me though so who was I kidding?
As Tuesday came along, I hit my first bad slump day. The kind of day like today was. I had so many things going on in my mind. So many questions, feelings, wants, needs, etc. but yet here I was stuck at work not even sure what my own name was by the end of the night. I had hoped that just like any other depressing day, I would be able to go home and sleep it off and wake up the next morning ready for a new start, a new good feeling. But sadly, that next morning, the slump hadn't gone away at all. It was there and it was strong. I got up for the super early shift and headed to work, hoping that everything would be alright once I was able to talk to my friends and clear the pain up a bit. When that didn't work, I was just hoping to go home and spend time with Dakota and Adalei. I was so excited to finally have a few days off to spend with my family again.
With Labor Day happening that coming Monday, I knew it would be Adalei's first day at daycare and I was trying to prepare myself to have to drop her off with someone new and give her the chance to bond with other people and still never get that bond with me. I was so overwhelmed with the thought. I had already been giving up my time for her to spend the past few days with Dakota and bond with him even more, but when would I be able to get that bond I wondered?
When I got home, I had found out that the daycare wasn't even going to be open on Labor Day so we were going to have to find someone to watch Adalei that whole day. We were going to find 1 person to get to spend all day with MY baby. Getting to hold her, love on her, take care of her. All the things I wanted her to desperately need from me and only me... but now that was once again being ripped away from me.
That was the final straw for me... I changed out of my work clothes and into leggings and a comfy t-shirt and went outside to hide... I wanted so badly to just disappear right then and there. Adalei had her dad and he was her everything. You could see it bold on her face. She had always lit up every time Dakota was near and he was killing this whole dad thing. He was an amazing burrito maker (swaddler), knew what to do when she was upset, was always able to make her smile, and just had this bond with this baby that no one else was going to be able to replace. A bond that they both shared together since day 1. A bond that I had longed for but hadn't been able to even come close to.
Obviously, everyone was going to be able to reach out and help Dakota if he needed it and without me standing in the way with my anxiety he would actually be able to get help without having to worry about if I was okay with someone else helping. I knew Dakota was always going to have Adalei's back no matter what. She was his girl. The one thing in life that he loved more than himself. They would be happy together. Happy without my constant worry. My constant crazy. Neither of them would have to worry about taking care of me. Adalei would be able to grow up without me ruining her. She was going to have the chance to be as happy as possible and I wasn't about to stand in the way of that. And with all of those things racing through my mind, I decided that the next few hours or so I would spend with the 2 people I cared about more than anything else.
When I woke up the next morning, I felt so many different ways. On one hand, I was upset that I was awake, yet on the other, I knew that I had another chance. A chance to really help myself and find a way to help my family next. With that, I called Dakota and had him take me to the hospital. I spent most of Thursday in the ER and then was moved to the ICU where I stayed until Saturday. While I was in the hospital, a nurse heard me crying and came to sit by me. She didn't know what was going on, and to be honest I wasn't even sure. I just knew I was hurting and I missed my baby and husband. She sat next to me and just her presence helped calm me down. I will forever be grateful for her. She helped me so much more than anyone else I met during that hospital stay. She was so willing to open up about her own struggles and pains. She seemed like such a strong person when I first talked to her. I never would have thought that we would have had so many different things in common.
The days laying in the hospital bed were the worst. It was so hard not being able to talk to anyone or do anything but lay there and occasionally watch some tv. By Saturday night, I was finally able to leave the hospital and go to an inpatient facility. Once I was there, I felt so alone. It was like I was in jail. I knew that I wasn't allowed to leave for at least 72 hours. It was going to be the longest 72 hours of my life, I just knew it.
Once I got settled and was able to calm down, it wasn't as bad as I feared at first. It was honestly kind of a relief. I was able to be around people who weren't there to hide what they had done or how they were feeling. We all knew why we were there and we were afraid to open up with each other. We could really just let all of the terrible things we were feeling out and not feel so terrible anymore. It was honestly the first place I felt like I could truly be myself and not hide a single thing about myself.
While I was there is actually when I decided that I needed to share my story with you all. After talking to the nurse that first night, I knew that postpartum depression was a much bigger topic than I had ever considered or heard about. It wasn't something you could just ignore and try and act like it was all going to just be alright. None of us are perfect. Then throwing in a new baby, a new body, and this new life where no one thinks about you anymore, it really makes being a new mom really shitty. The fact that we don't talk about it more really bothers me. I think it will always bother me too.
That September day, I was so low and so tired of feeling like I wasn't important to anyone, I broke. I was able to talk myself to a ledge that so many other moms have found and haven't been able to come back from like I was lucky enough to do.
As I have sat and written this, I have felt myself breathe again. I don't feel as dark anymore. Sure I am not 100%, hell I'm not sure if I will ever be close to 80%. But I know that just being able to release this heartache and pain and share it with you all, even if you don't understand, it helps me, and honestly, even those of you who might judge what I did, I don't have the energy to even care. I was at the lowest part of my life and was just looking to make my daughter's and husband's lives easier. Sure, I am not in that mindset anymore and I know that it won't make things easier for them. But it really wasn't that hard for me to get there and I am sure that there are other new mom's, dad's, or just people struggling who can self-sabotage just like I did and convince themselves that they really are helping the people they love so much more by not being that problem anymore. It has been almost 3 months and I could probably sit and debate until we both gave up why my being gone made so much sense. Do I still believe it? No, I don't. But trust me when I say, there are still hard days. Days that hurt so fucking badly. Days where I literally just lay in bed all day, not doing anything but sleeping. I mean I just had one of those days Sunday... and you know what, IT'S OKAY!!!!
If there is one thing that I have truly learned from everything I have endured since having Adalei, it's that we all aren't perfect. We need those reset days! I don't care how mentally sound you think you are, we all need time to find ourselves again and just reset. It is going to look different for each and every one of us. But I beg you all to take the time!! No matter what your reset button is, PLEASE PUSH IT!!! Even if it changes from day to day. We all need that break and please don't think you are the exception to that rule. PUSH THAT RESET BUTTON!!!! Before it is too late.
I know this post was deep and long... sorry... But I do want to leave you all tonight saying that I do feel better writing my deep dark story... It wasn't easy that's for sure! But I honestly needed to get into that mindset to be able to feel vulnerable enough to really open myself up to you all. I really hope you don't read this and think of me differently, but if you do, I can't change my truth. This is the real raw me.
~Jordyn
If you have a chance, take the time to listen to the following song
Before You Go - Lewis Capaldi
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