My Emotional Birthday Suit

I am going to do something a bit different with this post… So far, I have gone in chronological order of how everything has happened over this year. But I am wanting to switch things up a bit. I just feel like it is time to show you all a whole other side of myself. A side that I honestly haven’t shared with very many people.

For as long as I can remember, I have been a people pleaser. I hate not being able to make someone’s day just a little bit better. I have often gone out of my way to make sure that the people I care about are taken care of and happy. Over the years, it left me defenseless and never taking care of myself. It wasn’t until about 6 years ago, right after high school, that I even started to realize just how much I was letting myself get hurt by not trying to make sure I was okay before helping others. Let me tell you, learning this, it wasn’t a walk in the park. It hurt. Really fucking hard. I went from being this overly happy, carefree person around everyone, to someone who was ready to start putting myself first. Not gonna lie, I wish it would have been an easy thing to just start doing. I mean, for once I was taking care of the person in my life who needed it most, but yet somehow, I was having the hardest time ever. I thought that by “fixing” my needs first and finding my “happy” that everyone would instantly support me and see that I was truly trying to do what was best for myself for a change. That wasn’t the case though.

During this time, I realized that the idea of going to ‘church’ of any kind wasn’t something I felt I could support anymore. After living a life based on beliefs and values, things that I was taught at a young age to be true, all of it just seemed like that fake happy smile I was putting on for everyone else. I wasn’t even sure if I believed any of it anymore. Sure, like most teens growing up in a church filled household, I had a rebellious streak. But this was more. This was me, this real and raw version of myself that I had questioned over the years. This part of me that only very few of my closest friends had ever even seen pieces of. Once I really found that freedom within myself, I started to explode everywhere. I went from thinking I had my whole life figured out to not even knowing what I wanted to eat or drink. It was beautifully painful chaos.

Since I have started on this journey to redefine myself, I have really only felt like I had 3 people. My not so little brother, my Trouble, and my sweet-tart. If you would’ve told me years ago that my brother would end up being one of my best friends, I probably would have punched you and told you that you were lying. But sure enough, as I live and breathe, Robert has truly become one of my best friends and people who have really helped me grow and pull out everything that I have hidden in the darkest parts of my whole being. And guess what, somehow even through it all, he is still there for me whenever I need him.

Then that brings us to Trouble. Yes, that is what I call her 99% of the time. I am Alice and she is Trouble. That’s just how it was meant to be. #Trouble&Alice4ever I mean, when something as small and irritating as I am comes along, obviously Trouble had to be right there the whole time! 😋 Okay her real name is Kaitlin. We have known each other for about 18 years and have been friends for 12 or 13 now… damn we got old… This whole time, we have both changed and evolved into the weirdos that we are today. We have both moved states away and have barely seen each other, but she has been my rock. The one friend who I know will always tell me straight up, no matter how much I hate it. The friend who I have cried with in person, over the phone, and texting. Someone who I can literally have 5 different conversations with, all at once, and still know what responses go to what. Pretty sure people would hurt themselves if they ever braved looking at our messages, just saying. But through all of this change in myself, from being this goody-goody to the person I am trying to be today, she has been there for me through it all.

During this craziness, I found someone who actually let me be my raw self around him. I was able to wear my emotional birthday suit if you will when I was with him. He let me open myself up and explain all of these hidden thoughts and feelings, and even when he thought I was crazy, which let’s be honest, I kinda am haha 😆 he still sat there with me through it all. He didn’t judge. He didn’t make me feel terrible about myself. He just accepted me for me. I was finally able to be this new Jordyn that I had been longing to be. This person that didn’t feel like they had to hide the ugliest parts of themself to have someone love them. He loved me anyway. Ugly and all. So obviously I dumped him… haha no jk jk!!! I actually fell in love with him first, even if he did swipe right first. I will forever be grateful for my amazing husband. Even to this day, 5 years later, he still is letting me find all of me that makes me, me. We have still had our own battles, but at the end of the day, I am so glad that we can come home together, to our beautiful little family and still be happy at the end of every day. I love you so much, Dakota!!😘

Okay... okay... *eye roll* I will turn down the sappiness just a bit haha

The reason I wanted to bring up these people, is because they are all so different from each other. They are all people who, despite trying to figure out life for themselves, have stood by my side to get me through everything. They have been my support this whole time. Half the time, I didn’t even know that I needed them either. The support that they each have given me has honestly helped me still be here today. Becoming someone that you have always wanted to be and have known in your heart has felt right, but were always too afraid to dig up out of the darkness, is hard. I really have lost so many friends. Hurt so many people. All just trying to become someone who I had wanted to be my whole life, but was too afraid to let out of the cage. There was a meme going around a while back that said something along the lines of

‘if you knew me in high school, please forget that version of myself because it isn’t the real me’ and it honestly kind of just hit me. It is so embarrassing to think of how I might have hurt people all while trying to keep that happy bubble around myself. If I did ever push you away, hurt you, make you feel any pain of any kind, I am truly sorry. I promise that was never my intent.

When I first decided that it was really time to start opening myself up to becoming who I am trying to be today, I never would have thought that it would end up unleashing so many different scars I have had hidden. I very quickly found out that my “battle armor” wasn’t armor at all. I really thought I was this super strong person who didn’t let anything really get to me, but that wasn’t even kind of true. The only “armor” I had was being able to push everything down, deeper and deeper. Layer by layer, everything all kinda peeled back. Years and years of pain that I had tried to hide from everyone, including myself, all came back. Each time I thought I was pulling something “new” out of myself, I realized that I had attached pain to that characteristic that I was hiding for so long.

Pulling that much pain from the past can make anyone feel crazy. I had spent years trying to push different parts of myself into the dark, parts that I didn’t think people needed, parts I didn’t think I needed. But trying to deny me of my own feelings, only ended up hurting myself more and I really wish I would’ve known that before I let it get as deep and dark as it has been. It brought so much anxiety into my life. The fact that I knew I had hidden these things away, these parts of me that I didn’t want anyone to see for so long, I was now just ripping the bandaid off and allowing people to judge this new me. It was terrifying. I tried for 2 years to just keep plugging away at my day to day while trying to figure things out that I had to finally break and ask for help.

I was working at a call center for a credit card company, not an easy job at all. On top of that, I was also working the night shift. When I first started, I thought it was great! I really enjoyed the people I was working with, some of the fun benefits, and honestly, the money! Being the people person that I am, phone calls were hard. No one could see that I was really trying to help them, they only heard my voice. They could see my eye’s to know that I was really just trying to help. They couldn’t see my smile when I wished them a good day. They only got my weakest feature. My voice. After about a month of taking phone calls, I started not wanting to go to work. I would have full-on panic attacks. The panic would start to set in with a rude caller that I couldn’t get through to, then to panic before logging into the phones to start my shift. Finally, I ended up having panic attacks before I could even get out of bed. Just the thought of going to work would send me into a horrible panic attack that I couldn’t seem to pull myself out of. Realizing that I still had a job to do and that I needed to try to stick it out until I could find something else, I did what I had never wanted to do. I went to the doctor and was put on a daily medication to try and help.

I never wanted to be on medication for mental issues. I was totally against them. I wanted to just talk it out, get some coping skills, and be ‘fixed’. I thought being on meds would make me turn into a zombie, just someone who would never feel anything ever again. There was so much panic just in the thought of actually taking a pill every day to try and be “normal” again. A few years after being on medication, a friend of mine told me that taking medication for a mental disorder is similar to a diabetic needing insulin. Our bodies are lacking something, and if we need to take medication to feel better, then why wouldn’t we? To this day, I wish I would’ve heard that same comparison years and years before I had even thought I would ever need medication. Because even still, the thought of being on medication because I wasn’t “normal” was scary and it wasn’t something I was proud of. I felt so ashamed. Hearing that made me feel a bit better about doing something for myself that I needed. It still doesn’t mean I want to be on medication for the rest of my life though.

After about 2 more months of working at the call center and being on medication, I finally decided that I just needed to be done. Every day, the anxiety of getting to work just to have some random person sit and yell at me was just getting too scary for me. I let it get to the point that I would have rather crashed my car heading to work and be in the hospital for days, then to want to make myself go to work. Just the sheer thought of having to log into my phone system and take a call still gives me a sudden panic. There are days, even now, that I start to panic when I see my phone ringing and will purposely not answer because I have no idea what will be said. It is something I am trying to overcome every single day. Living life like this, with this nagging and hurt constantly surrounding me every thought, has been so difficult.

When I found out I was pregnant, and PPD started to become a topic of conversation, I honestly thought that since I have dealt with anxiety and depression for years now, what's gonna be different about it? Well, I was just a bit too cocky with those thoughts. I really wasn't prepared for the difference of it all. The hormones. The physical changes to my body. The worry of now having a little human that relies on you to do everything right. All of it hits moments after your baby leaves you, and then you are just back to being this old but new version of yourself. This old face you see in the mirror, the one who you can connect, but yet so much has changed. After spending 9 months never feeling alone, always trying to do what was very best for yourself because you knew that it didn't just affect you, you had someone else to look after. Someone who depended on you to eat healthily, drink lots of water, keep active, all of it. You always knew that someone was with you, even when you couldn't feel the little one inside of you, you still knew that they were there. Needing you to be your very best.

Once that child is born and removed from your body, it's like that all changes. All of a sudden, you can't control your own emotions, but in a totally different way than while you are pregnant. Everything is all about the baby. You can only think about this new living being that your whole life revolves around. Everything you do is for your little one. You don't even remember to use the bathroom, take a shower, eat, drink, anything. All you can worry about is what the baby is doing. It's this crazy charade that plays all day now.

There were plenty of times I did forget to eat, drink, shower, brush my teeth, my hair, all of it. All I can ever do is worry about my own little girl. This beautiful baby girl that depends on me to feed her, wash her, change her, all of it. But just like that, I went from overly caring about my own well being to keep her safe, to totally forgetting that I am still human too. That I still need to eat, wash up, change my clothes, use the bathroom. All of these things that just a few months ago I was anal about for myself. That others were so worried about me doing as well. Now, I was the last person thought of.